here it comes....

so much can change so quickly. My life is heading towards graduation...and with graduation comes an entirely new set of worries and problems to add on to the old ones. It's also going to bring new opportunities and new people into my life. So many decisions to be made. nothing like a little pressure to get your heart pumping...to the point of having high blood pressure that may or may not need to be medicated. I'm convinced (or trying to convince myself) I'm going to enjoy the ride.

....

Weary- "physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired"

This basically defines my life right now. I just feel like life has gotten the better of me, that I keep falling down and i'm tired of getting back up.

This is a poem about hope:

http://http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/hope-is-the-thing-with-feathers/

......too bad I hate birds.

so long summer time

Obviously I've been less than diligent in keeping up w/ this blog over the summer. Want to know why?

I could sit here and say it was because I was busy, or nothing interesting happened, or I just haven't been on the computer much...but to be honest, I just didn't feel like spending the time to write about what I've been doing.

I really should spend this "welcome back to blog-land" post updating everyone on what my summer has been like, but I not going to...I would forget to include most of what I did anyways.

But I will tell you about one thing I did this summer. I've spend a lot of my time reading. I wish I could say I've read deep, though provoking books which forever altered my way of thinking, but I haven't. I did read the Twilight series, but contrary to popular opinion, they were not all that thought provoking. I will admit I did enjoy the books though.
The latest book that I've been working through is one which was made into a movie. It's called "Evening" by Susan Minot. I really enjoyed the movie. The setting is beautiful, the characters complex, and the plot slightly depressing. I decided to read the book.

It surprised me. The author creates a wonderful sense of semi-consciousness throughout the book. You're transported in and out of the main characters thoughts, memories, and dreams. The heroine of the story starts off as a young, vibrant girl who is determined to overcome the doldrums of life she believes so many of the people around her have fallen into. She goes to a wedding of a friend and falls suddenly and madly in love with a man she meets there. They are truly "star-crossed lovers" and after the wedding weekend is over, they never see each other again. The heroine marries, three different times, has children, and lives her life. But she becomes just like the people she so desperately tried to avoid as a young woman. She seems to lose herself in the fury of life. She lies on her death bed overcome with regret, wondering what about her life actually mattered. What if? She wonders what if...

I can't help but ask myself the same questions. I'm terrified of having regrets and I'm terrified of just existing rather than living. I am about to start my last year of college. I will have to make many decisions, some big, some small. What if the decisions I think are insignificant end up having a huge impact down the road. I'm not ready to deal with the good-byes, the new places, the fear the unknown brings, and the big decisions I'm going to have to make. But...the more I think about it, I don't think anyone ever really is ready. Praise God I don't have to do this alone...check out some awesome verses I found in Psalm 25....

"To you O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me...Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me you paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

summer?

Summer is here?

I'm done with my Junior year of college. I'm home for the summer. I start my summer job on Monday. Summer is here, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. Normally I'm so ready to get home for the summer, ready to be away from school, but not this year...

The last couple of weeks, and the last couple of days, have been so much fun. I've made some of THE best memories with some wonderful people. I had to come home earlier than expected. Today I had to say some goodbye's to people I wasn't ready to say goodbye to. I've gotten really close to some people this year and the next time I see some of them will be three months from now. I'm not ok with that.

I've been home for about 6 hours, and I already don't know if I'm gonna make it through the summer. I just can't sit around the house. I mean I love my family and I'm glad to see them, but I feel like I'm in high school again, and I DONT like it! I think this is just part of growing up.....


I just want to be back at HU...

anonymous

It amazes me how powerful words are.

It amazes me how strings of letters and sounds when put together and said with meaning behind them, can evoke the most powerful of emotions. Uplifting words can brighten your day, or make you laugh. In the same way, one negative or hurtful comment can stay with you for months and months.

I was in a situation today which reminded me of something someone said to me. I'm still struggling with something someone said to me almost 6 months ago. Still. Those words, which didn't quite follow the whole, "think before you speak" rule of thumb, have totally changed how I view a huge part of my life. Instead of feeling confident, when it comes to this area, I feel completely incompetent. It completely changed my outlook. I hate that it has that kind of power over my emotions and my mindset.

But you know what I am only beginning to realize? It's my fault for allowing those words to hurt me so much. I mean, of course, originally those words did hurt, they hurt a lot, but I'm the one who hasn't let them go. By allowing that hurt to remain...for over 6 months...I'm just re-opening the wound. I'm hurting myself more than the words originally hurt me. I just built walls instead. Walls to keep that person out. Maybe some walls aren't always bad, I mean why be close to someone who continues to harm you. But then again, what great things could I also be keeping out. who knows....but....

I think it's time to start to deal with it.....so here it goes....wish me luck.

Today is Good Friday. I went to the Good Friday service at my church today. I went by myself, which i was a little annoyed with at first. But in the end, I was really glad I went. It was a great service and I was glad I went by myself. There were less distractions and I could really just focus on the reason I was there. We sang "Before the Throne of God Above", this verse really stuck out to me so I thought i would share it with you. I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff recently and it's a blessing to be reminded of the truths of this song.

"When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me."


Happy Easter!

records

So my roommate bought a record player. Yeah, one of those super retro, awesome things you play records on. I love it, and I've been getting acquainted with some classics: Dylan, James Taylor, Carly Simon. It's been lovely. I can't think of to many things that are as relaxing as sitting on the couch, listening to records. Life just seems a bit more simple when you're sitting in the sunlight watching the record spin around.

Obviously, I've been listening to quite a bit of music recently (I guess this isn't surprising, since I almost always have music of some form playing) and am still amazed how powerful music is.

Music possesses the unique ability to change my mood almost instantaneously. I get into the car, turn on the radio and whatever song is currently being played over the airwaves determines my mood for the next few hours of my life. If it's an up-tempo song, I'm ready to take on the world, thinking life is great. If it's a slower song, I mellow out and become introspective.

Today was an introspective day. It began by listening to the lyrical musings of James Taylor which left me feeling like I MUST take a nap or a long drive. Since the money is tight, I went with a nap. Next Gavin Degraw, John Mayer, and Maroon 5, via pandora.com, dropped me into a contemplative mood.

I haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing. It's a little scary that music can effect my emotions to that extent. It's a little scary that I like experiencing all those different emotions. And it's a little scary that the artists have that kind of control over me. I'm not really too sure what to do about it right now....besides John Mayer is currently lulling me into sweet melancholy, so I don't really care what else is going on....

and yes, I do know that this is a strange post.


I wrote this a long time ago...but the good old internet was failing me.

New

I think I'm going to try something new. Not quite sure what it will be yet. I just am tired of being in the same old rut and it's time to push myself out. On to bigger and better things.....or maybe just different things.


sidenote: I got my application for graduation in the mail this week. I will be graduating college in a little over one year. THAT is scary...scary and exciting all at the same time.

spring break?

yes, yes, i know i haven't posted in ages and ages, what can i say, i'm been crazy busy.

Well, today is the first day of SPRING BREAK!!! I'm so excited. I'm going with some friends down to Florida. We're driving, which should be....interesting. I'm actually looking forward to the drive down. I love driving/ riding in cars and it'll be great to be with my friends. I do however, have this lurking feeling that around hour number 10 I'll be ready to be OUT OF THE CAR!!! haha. oh well it's all part of the experience.

This is my first true college spring break. the past 2 years i've just gone home. So i'm so excited to be with my friends.

*note to self: I HATE swimsuit shopping, talk about a self-esteem killer*

Unfortunately, I have quite a bit of homework to do over spring break. I don't have anything that's due the mon. we get back, but ALOT of projects to get started on. hopefully that will make the week after spring break a little less stressful.

That's all for now folks. There was an "updating-fluffy-no actual content" post for you to enjoy while I'm soaking up the sun in Florida!!!!!!!

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brothers eye." Luke 6:41-42


This isn't a passive agressive post. I didn't post it so people would read it and think I'm accusing them of anything, I'm not. I've just been thinking of these verses as of late and thought I would share a little insight into what's been going through my head.....maybe I'll post again later and share a little more of what crazy things I've been thinking the past few days...look out cuz that's going to be a crazy post!

i'm tired

I'm feeling a little tired. Not really a lack of sleep tired (although that's there too), more of an emotional, psychological, spiritual tired. There are so many things to worry about involving school, money, and life in general. And then on top of that I'm supossed to be changing my life to become more like Christ. That task, in and of itself, requires more focus and energy than I could ever have. Most of the time it feels like a losing battle. As soon as I feel like I'm making some spiritual progress, I realize that I've really made no progress at all. "one step forward, two steps back"...I feel like that's the story of my life, or at least the story of this past year. But.....

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

deep dark secret

So I have a deep dark secret. Only a few people are aware of this, so you should be privileged to know this information...

I'm in love with Matchbox 20...and Rob Thomas.

I know that was anti-climactic. I know, Matchbox 20 is mainstream. I know it's "typical" music. I know they don't produce super high quality music. I know Rob Thomas is married. I know his earring makes him look like a tool-bag. I know they are basically a 90's band, but I love them. What can I say, guilty pleasure.

I tend to be a "brooding soul" when it comes to books, music, and movies. I realized this the other day when I made a failed attempt to make a work-out playlist. Instead of finding music which compelled me to stay on the elliptical for just 10 minutes more, I found music which could lull me into a take-a-long-drive on a rainy day mood. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, Matchbox 20 fits right into this.

My mind has been all over the place the last few days. There a lot of different things I could blog about, but it's late and if I started talking about any of them, you would be subjected to reading one of my posts which jumps from topic to topic. I never really talk about anything, I just touch on everything. So in order to spare you, I'll leave you with Rob Thomas' lyrical musings. I connect with this song. Yes, mock me all you want, but this song describes certain aspects of my crazy life right now.

Matchbox 20- Bright Lights

She got out of town
On a railway New York bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on Broadway
There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something
That's enought to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home

I got a hole in me now
Yeah, I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me
In her apartment in the city
Some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're the things that you miss

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world
Maybe, maybe, maye
You'll find something
That's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around
And come on home.


http://

just another sunday

well yesterday...well i guess technically it was two days ago, was valentine's day. I spent the "hallmark holiday" at church, doing homework, babysitting, and playing soccer. I spent the day before valentines day alone in my apartment doing homework. *Note to self: never spend valentine's day (or the day before) by yourself, even if it is a made up holiday. You'll end up eating way to much and buying songs on itunes....or maybe that's just me.

The Olympics are on television. I don't know if it's because I'm an athlete or what exactly, but I LOVE watching them. I watch these people compete in different events and think...ok...so all they're doing is skiing, I could totally do that, then some announcer comes on and says that they are going 80 miles an hour and it's a crazy steep hill. I barely ever go that fast in my CAR let alone on two skis that are only 6 inches wide! How is that even possible! Or what about the speed skaters? They go insanely fast around and around in a little circle, how do they not get dizzy? And they're angle is so small when they take those corners, how is it physically possible to stay upright? I'm convinced I'm going to date an olympic speed skater, or a snowboarder, or someone who does moguls, or a hockey player...ok really any olympic male athlete who ISN'T a figure skater. I'll keep you updated on how many offers I get.

i'm going insane.

so for no reason at all...i'm going insanely mad. ok maybe there are a couple reasons but they are inconsequential. but i am so mad...so if...in several hours you hear random rage-filled screams coming across the winter tundra...look out. it could be me.

that is all.

day 1

Well today was the first day of my "be positive" week. I decided to try it for a week.

Today definately tested me...i mean when are mondays a breeze! haha. But today I am thankful for.....

• good friends. I had a great weekend with a lot of my friends. They make me feel special and I'm so thankful they are there to teach me and encourage me.
• soccer. We had a workout tonight. While it was kinda hard to go workout from 9pm-11pm. I saw it as an opportunity to go burn some calories.
• a productive day. I had a lot of stuff on my plate today. A lot of homework and a lot of little things that had to be done today. And by God's grace, I got most of it done, even a little extra!

One sad thing about today. One of my friends is going away for awhile. We said goodbye to her today and I was surprised how sad it made me. Don't get me wrong, I love my friend, but I'm excited for her to have this AWESOME opportunity and know she will have a great time. Normally goodbye's don't bother me. Maybe it's because I know most of the time, their temporary, but today it was really hard. It reminded me that next year at about this time, we'll be getting ready to say our goodbyes "for good". We'll be graduating, and instead of being able to run into the next room, or down the stairs to catch-up or to see how someone's day is going, it will have to be a call, or a 3 hour drive for a "visit". I'm not looking forward to that. While I know that it's just another phase of life, I'm not ready to say "goodbye" to these people yet. It reminded me to live each day to the fullest, because in a blink of an eye, college will be over, and we'll never be able to come back.

now i need to get to bed so I wont be cranky in the morning!

heavens above!

well let's just pretend i didn't write that last post. That's what happens when i haven't gotten enough sleep and have overdosed on sugar. Yikes! That sounded like I'm completely hopeless, which is not true.

For all the struggles I might be dealing with, I have infinitely more blessings!

For example, I can look out my window right now, and although I still see snow, I can see a bright blue sky. I feel like I haven't seen the sky in years!! It's so beautiful!

Here's an idea, how about holding on to the positives in life rather than clutching on to all the negatives. This is my new goal for the next couple days. I'll let you know how it goes.

Try it with me.

just wanted to let you know

Just wanted to let you know.....as of yesterday, I'm now 21 years old. I have lived for over two decades.

Just wanted to let you know.....i miss my family. I didn't get to see them on my birthday and that makes me sad.

Just wanted to let you know.....i'm running out of money, and i'm scared for what will happen when it's gone.

Just wanted to let you know.....i miss having close guy friends. There are some things girls just can't help you with.

Just wanted to let you know.....i don't like it when people are mad at each other. I want it fixed. I don't want them to be upset with each other.

Just wanted to let you know.....i'm not sure if i'm going to make it through this semester. I barely made it through this week.

Just wanted to let you know.....that i'm a selfish person. Today I helped out at a benefit for a little girl who has cancer. Her family is willing to sacrifice anything for her. They worry if their daughter will make it to her next birthday, while i worry about school work.

Just wanted to let you know.....life isn't going to get easier. I'm slowly beginning to understand this is just another fact of life.

Just wanted to let you know.....i like ingrid michaelson. Try and look past the strange video and just listen to the song.

http://


Just wanted to let you know.....I have a lot of secrets, and I'm not sure that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Just wanted to let you know.....sometimes i like having emo blog posts, I feel like venting into the Internet.

Just wanted to let you know.....

bummer.

has it been awhile? yes....get off my back. just kidding.

My computer is broken. It's been at tech services since Mon...and no news yet. I opened my computer of j-term break and discovered that all of my papers that represented way too many hours of scholarship, all of my pictures that represented way too many memories, and all of my music which represented way too much money (no, I don't get songs off of limewire for free) were ALL GONE!!! After a none too mild freak-out session I was reminded that all things pass away eventually and all of that stuff was material anyways. It was a good reminder to put stuff in perspective.

well I'm almost through the first week of classes for the spring semester. it's going to be..interesting. I'm taking 17.5 credits, which doesn't seem like very many, but when you take into account that last semester i basically had 11, its A TON!! I have a funny feeling that this might be my hardest semester.....awesome...

*side note: I'm writing this in the computer lab, and the kid in front of me has hiccups, weirdest hiccups ever. His entire body goes into convulsions when he hiccups....great now he's humming.


anyway i guess i would rather get the hard stuff done now. I just foresee there being many sleepless nights in my future. Too bad i'm not a night owl.

Well time to embark on a fun-filled night:
Dinner
Working out
Showering
Sleeping.

I'm such a crazy kid, huh? "Live it up" that's my motto! Who knows, maybe i'll go crazy and watch some T.V.!!!! ***For those of you who don't know me well enough to know that I'm a strong believer in the use of sarcasm, the last section was an example of that strong belief.***

Here's to a semester of perseverance!

tick-tock

Why is it so gosh-darn easy to waste time?

This question has been on my mind for the past couple of days. Why you may ask? ok so you probably didn't ask and you probably don't actually have the desire to know, but lucky you, I'm sharing anyways.....in a 'round about way.

If you've known me for longer than...a day... you will know that I hate HATE HATE throwing up. I don't like not knowing when it's going to happen...you just sit there feeling absolutely horrid waiting for your stomach and your esophagus to completely rebel against you. There is nothing you can do to help it...or to stop it. So the flu is pretty much like dying to me.

Unfortunately, I'm just now getting over this deadly affliction.

I got sick on Wednesday night. My system "emptied" itself in about 6 hours and for the next 65 hours my system was out of commission. My saving grace came in the form of Beth and Carrie who provided me with saltines and 7up, my I'm-sick-with-the-flu necessities.

I was in my bed for two days straight. I watched some movies, but I got so bored. I kept thinking, I could be using all the precious minutes that I'll never get back to do something productive. But when I thought about it, if I was completely healthy I would have probably spent those days eating, sleeping, watching movies, wandering around the Internet, and possibly working out. While these pastimes may be enjoyable, they aren't exactly productive.

Why is it so easy to waste time?

Is it because we're lazy?

Because we just don't care?

Because we value "relaxing"?

Why?

"We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves." Alice Bloch

Transcultural Family

First post of the new year!!! whoooo hooooo!!!

...To bad i don't have anything incredibly profound to say.

Well I'm two days into J-term. For all of you bloggernauts out there who don't know what J-term is, it's a "January term" where you take one class a day for two weeks. The classes are usually on the creative side, like "quilt-making" or "what Jesus film would Jesus watch". I'm taking Transcultural families. Sounds like it's CRAZY right? ok so maybe it sounds like a class they make you go through when you want to adopt a kid from another country, but it counts towards credits I need in order to graduate so it's ok. I wasn't too excited about the class because it sounded rather boring, not many of my friends were in it, and it was in the Nursing Program. So when people asked what j-term class I was taking I usually responded with a somewhat sincere sigh/groan and said that it sounded boring but at least it counted for something.

fast-forward to Jan. 3rd. My brother was talking about his J-term class that he signed up to take and how he really didn't want to take it but he felt like my parents were "strongly suggesting" him to (by the way, don't you hate when parents do that, I mean wouldn't it be easier to just come out and say, "you should do this", rather than attempting to subtly imply that not-so-hidden message, but I digress.) a class that would prep him for the ACT. He said it was going to be hard and boring and he would hate being in the class.

Being the all-knowing, always-right guru that I am, and since I was feeling especially pious since it was Sunday, I told him he should stop complaining and go into it with a good attitude. I told him that if he went into the class with a bad attitude that the class would go badly. As I smiled to myself thinking what mature advice I'd just given, my dad looks at me. He informs me that when talking about my j-term class I had pretty much said that I didn't want to take it but I felt like i should because it counted for required credits. This sounds a bit repetitive doesn't it? well that's because that's exactly what my brother had said, and that's exactly what I had just deemed a bad attitude. Talk about a slap in the face. After a couple seconds of trying to argue how my situation was different, I gave up, realizing I couldn't win a battle I had already lost. My dad was right, it was time I practiced what I preached and get rid of my bad attitude.

So, this j-term class has been good so far. A little repetitive, a little boring, but good. Obviously my new year's resolution of having a better attitude hasn't quite kicked in yet.


Don't rain on your own parade.