here it comes....

so much can change so quickly. My life is heading towards graduation...and with graduation comes an entirely new set of worries and problems to add on to the old ones. It's also going to bring new opportunities and new people into my life. So many decisions to be made. nothing like a little pressure to get your heart pumping...to the point of having high blood pressure that may or may not need to be medicated. I'm convinced (or trying to convince myself) I'm going to enjoy the ride.

....

Weary- "physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired"

This basically defines my life right now. I just feel like life has gotten the better of me, that I keep falling down and i'm tired of getting back up.

This is a poem about hope:

http://http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/hope-is-the-thing-with-feathers/

......too bad I hate birds.

so long summer time

Obviously I've been less than diligent in keeping up w/ this blog over the summer. Want to know why?

I could sit here and say it was because I was busy, or nothing interesting happened, or I just haven't been on the computer much...but to be honest, I just didn't feel like spending the time to write about what I've been doing.

I really should spend this "welcome back to blog-land" post updating everyone on what my summer has been like, but I not going to...I would forget to include most of what I did anyways.

But I will tell you about one thing I did this summer. I've spend a lot of my time reading. I wish I could say I've read deep, though provoking books which forever altered my way of thinking, but I haven't. I did read the Twilight series, but contrary to popular opinion, they were not all that thought provoking. I will admit I did enjoy the books though.
The latest book that I've been working through is one which was made into a movie. It's called "Evening" by Susan Minot. I really enjoyed the movie. The setting is beautiful, the characters complex, and the plot slightly depressing. I decided to read the book.

It surprised me. The author creates a wonderful sense of semi-consciousness throughout the book. You're transported in and out of the main characters thoughts, memories, and dreams. The heroine of the story starts off as a young, vibrant girl who is determined to overcome the doldrums of life she believes so many of the people around her have fallen into. She goes to a wedding of a friend and falls suddenly and madly in love with a man she meets there. They are truly "star-crossed lovers" and after the wedding weekend is over, they never see each other again. The heroine marries, three different times, has children, and lives her life. But she becomes just like the people she so desperately tried to avoid as a young woman. She seems to lose herself in the fury of life. She lies on her death bed overcome with regret, wondering what about her life actually mattered. What if? She wonders what if...

I can't help but ask myself the same questions. I'm terrified of having regrets and I'm terrified of just existing rather than living. I am about to start my last year of college. I will have to make many decisions, some big, some small. What if the decisions I think are insignificant end up having a huge impact down the road. I'm not ready to deal with the good-byes, the new places, the fear the unknown brings, and the big decisions I'm going to have to make. But...the more I think about it, I don't think anyone ever really is ready. Praise God I don't have to do this alone...check out some awesome verses I found in Psalm 25....

"To you O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me...Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me you paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

summer?

Summer is here?

I'm done with my Junior year of college. I'm home for the summer. I start my summer job on Monday. Summer is here, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. Normally I'm so ready to get home for the summer, ready to be away from school, but not this year...

The last couple of weeks, and the last couple of days, have been so much fun. I've made some of THE best memories with some wonderful people. I had to come home earlier than expected. Today I had to say some goodbye's to people I wasn't ready to say goodbye to. I've gotten really close to some people this year and the next time I see some of them will be three months from now. I'm not ok with that.

I've been home for about 6 hours, and I already don't know if I'm gonna make it through the summer. I just can't sit around the house. I mean I love my family and I'm glad to see them, but I feel like I'm in high school again, and I DONT like it! I think this is just part of growing up.....


I just want to be back at HU...

anonymous

It amazes me how powerful words are.

It amazes me how strings of letters and sounds when put together and said with meaning behind them, can evoke the most powerful of emotions. Uplifting words can brighten your day, or make you laugh. In the same way, one negative or hurtful comment can stay with you for months and months.

I was in a situation today which reminded me of something someone said to me. I'm still struggling with something someone said to me almost 6 months ago. Still. Those words, which didn't quite follow the whole, "think before you speak" rule of thumb, have totally changed how I view a huge part of my life. Instead of feeling confident, when it comes to this area, I feel completely incompetent. It completely changed my outlook. I hate that it has that kind of power over my emotions and my mindset.

But you know what I am only beginning to realize? It's my fault for allowing those words to hurt me so much. I mean, of course, originally those words did hurt, they hurt a lot, but I'm the one who hasn't let them go. By allowing that hurt to remain...for over 6 months...I'm just re-opening the wound. I'm hurting myself more than the words originally hurt me. I just built walls instead. Walls to keep that person out. Maybe some walls aren't always bad, I mean why be close to someone who continues to harm you. But then again, what great things could I also be keeping out. who knows....but....

I think it's time to start to deal with it.....so here it goes....wish me luck.

Today is Good Friday. I went to the Good Friday service at my church today. I went by myself, which i was a little annoyed with at first. But in the end, I was really glad I went. It was a great service and I was glad I went by myself. There were less distractions and I could really just focus on the reason I was there. We sang "Before the Throne of God Above", this verse really stuck out to me so I thought i would share it with you. I've just been dealing with a lot of stuff recently and it's a blessing to be reminded of the truths of this song.

"When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me."


Happy Easter!

records

So my roommate bought a record player. Yeah, one of those super retro, awesome things you play records on. I love it, and I've been getting acquainted with some classics: Dylan, James Taylor, Carly Simon. It's been lovely. I can't think of to many things that are as relaxing as sitting on the couch, listening to records. Life just seems a bit more simple when you're sitting in the sunlight watching the record spin around.

Obviously, I've been listening to quite a bit of music recently (I guess this isn't surprising, since I almost always have music of some form playing) and am still amazed how powerful music is.

Music possesses the unique ability to change my mood almost instantaneously. I get into the car, turn on the radio and whatever song is currently being played over the airwaves determines my mood for the next few hours of my life. If it's an up-tempo song, I'm ready to take on the world, thinking life is great. If it's a slower song, I mellow out and become introspective.

Today was an introspective day. It began by listening to the lyrical musings of James Taylor which left me feeling like I MUST take a nap or a long drive. Since the money is tight, I went with a nap. Next Gavin Degraw, John Mayer, and Maroon 5, via pandora.com, dropped me into a contemplative mood.

I haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing. It's a little scary that music can effect my emotions to that extent. It's a little scary that I like experiencing all those different emotions. And it's a little scary that the artists have that kind of control over me. I'm not really too sure what to do about it right now....besides John Mayer is currently lulling me into sweet melancholy, so I don't really care what else is going on....

and yes, I do know that this is a strange post.


I wrote this a long time ago...but the good old internet was failing me.